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Letter # 12 - Grace
In the midst of one’s efforts to harness the mind so that we may be happy, there is a
force which quietly colours our perceptions. We call it Grace. It is a mysterious force
over which we have absolutely no influence. It seems to come and go of its own
volition. It does not exhibit any characteristic that we can say, ‘Ah yes, I know this’.
Why did I, for example, keep going when the rewards of the discipline of
meditation in the Old Hall at Sri Ramanasramam seemed laughable in the face of an
avalanche of chaotic impressions that hurt? It is as much an act of will and
stubbornness to continue climbing a steep granite wall that seemingly has no
apparent summit. All of us who start on the spiritual path experience the same
inexplicable propulsion despite the meagre returns. One could call it the grit-the-
teeth attitude and carry on whatever the cost. Those who contemplate stepping onto
this path are usually caught between two divergent ways: either continue bumbling
along half-awake or make a pivotal decision that this cannot continue and
consequently, one steps into the unknown, prepared at least in intention, to face the
demons which manipulate one’s bewilderment and make one suffer.
Whether we admit it or not, whether our family, friends, community or culture
admit it or not, there is a higher power functioning in our private and public worlds.
Things happen to us. Each new day brings unexpected events. Like flotsam swirling
on oceanic currents or a dust mote in the air, the powers of nature pull us one way
and another. We may think we are masters of our fate but really, we are not.
Bhagavan Ramana said that everything we do or think or say in this lifetime is
preordained. The only choice we have is to identify with it or not. All our efforts in
meditation and devotion and study are not to control the forces which surround us
but to understand them and ride the crest of what is happening.
Wisdom is the ability to be aware of, let us say, the signs, and know what is
the choice that faces us right now. There is invariably a right way and a wrong way.
Both are sides of the same coin. The right way frees us of the conflict and the wrong
way throws us back into the maelstrom of observations and actions until we learn
how not to react but see the consequences of a whole chain of events which led to
this crisis point, minor or major. That well-known adage about history that we are
doomed to repeat ourselves until we learn, could not be more apposite on an
individual level.
Looking back on my life it is a wonder that somehow, I ‘managed’ to arrive at
Arunachala. My trajectory was scattered with so many blunders, delusions and
unnecessary mistakes. The degree of selfishness and inappropriate behaviour
inexcusable. And yet, and yet, was there any other way to arrive at a safe harbour?
Our foolishness seems to be a prerequisite for any advancement on the spiritual
path. The Tarot cards illustrate the Fool’s journey. The guileless Galahad is the only
one who sees and recognises the Holy Grail. The sensitive soul who is not content
with what traditional society offers reaches the feet of a true guru and holds on for
dear life. Our mistakes are the fodder that nourishes that inner yearning for Truth.
For without these errors, we would fall asleep like the majority who are so satisfied
with the crumbs of pleasure that come their way. They do not contemplate an
alternative, let alone step out of their comfort zone.
Pain in this respect is our saviour. Be it gross, be it subtle, we all endure the
consequences of our destiny. If one believes in reincarnation, we are reaping the
rewards of our former lives. If we do not believe in reincarnation, one can say that we
are processing the consequences of our absurd good luck or bad luck with the
mental, emotional and psychological tools at our disposal, due to either genes or
upbringing, education and culture. And often, the dynamism of history tosses us
about like dolls. This is a blind view of destiny which we all succumb to when we
cannot make sense of what is happening to us.
There was a candidate for the presidency of the United States in the 1950s
named Adlai Stevenson, who said that if he accepted the nomination, it could well be
the last free choice he would make, knowing that the exigencies of office would
generally preclude all but one ineluctable course of action. Entering the spiritual path
is something similar as once the candidate decides on entering the living tradition, he
or she is guided by certain fixed principles which in future inspires them.
As children, we tend to look up to our parents as gods and it is only later as
we grow up we see that they too are subject to the whims of nature. As we
mentioned in a pervious Letter, we try various ideas much like clothes until we
discard them because they fall short of our expectations. With each disillusionment,
there is a hard earned revelation and a new chapter opens up and a new sense of
responsibility for our actions. This is important as the acceptance of a sense of
responsibility opens our eyes. And whether we are prepared to cross the threshold
and embrace our destiny depends on our willingness to pay the price.
Blindness is a habitual state brought about by so many factors we need not
investigate now. But we are blind and once we realise this, we want to open our eyes
which are covered with dust. To extend this analogy, meditation and other spiritual
practices are a method to cleanse the eyes so that they may see the light that
surrounds us.
We all walk about, and lead our lives, in a state of blindness. We wear
blinkers so that we will be like everyone else, to fit in with society, but they blind us to
the light. Taking off the blinkers is a painful act; we cannot imagine life without them
but once they are gone, we realise that we are bathed in light…it is all around us! We
just have to learn to see.
Slowly but surely, I began to feel that Grace, not by any special talent but by
sheer persistence and refusal to give up. I was helped as much by the example of
others who resolutely sat in that room affectionately called the Old Hall where
Bhagavan received visitors for so many years. It was a strange feeling to discover
that one was on a new set of railway tracks so to speak and that the train had left the
station. A metaphor that Bhagavan used often to describe the workings of the guru’s
grace. He said:
“A passenger in a train keeps his load on the head by his own folly. Let him
put it down: he will find the load reaches the destination all the same. Similarly, let us
not pose as the doers, but resign ourselves to the guiding Power.”
There were moments in the Old Hall of sheer boredom when the old
pendulum wall clock would become audible and start to tap at monotonous,
maddening intervals. Ostensibly nothing was happening and it all seemed a waste of
time. What was the point? Why am I here? At moments of such despair when
nothing seemed to go right, I carried a huge burden of invisible expectation
impossible to shake. This frozen state dissolved when I admitted defeat and
surrendered to the moment. It was later when I read a statement recorded in Talks
with Ramana Maharshi that there was a glimmer of understanding.
Someone asked Bhagavan to show his grace. Sri Ramana replied saying:
“You are neck-deep in water and yet cry for water. It is as good as saying that
one neck-deep in water feels thirsty, or a fish in water feels thirsty, or that water feels
thirsty.”
Whether we are aware of it or not Grace abounds particularly in a holy site,
and our awareness of grace depends so much on our state of mind. When we dive
deeper into our consciousness the density of pressure increases. We may not at first
be alert to what is happening but time and space are elastic and begin to contract.
All we are left with to externally measure the moments in the Old Hall was the
exasperating sound of tick-tock. Little did I realise this so-called empty moment was
the key which announced the possibility of escape from the current cycle of useless
thoughts and emotions.
Grace is that potency which inexplicably begins the process of purification and
renewal.
How then do we activate Grace?
It is very simple really, prayer. This heart-driven mechanism is tremendous
and virtually unlimited. It is the recognition that we do not know and that we are
helpless. It is asking the universe for help. The prayer of Alcoholics Anonymous
could not be more apt:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The
courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.”
