Spiritual-Teaching.org
Letter # 4 - Neither Here nor There
“The time spent in the ashram at first was random and unfocused. I felt
nothing spiritual either in myself or the ashram temple or the samadhi (burial
site) of Sri Ramana Maharshi. It was all rather odd and disconcerting. There
was a momentary thought to move on to Goa which I had heard about as a
tourist spot, and it was in the general direction of where I had previously
intended, but that thought vanished almost immediately and what I was left
with was a blank space from which no thoughts could arise. That momentary
thought happened on the third night while I lay on the lumpy bed in the cell.
I felt interrogated by some unknown presence and found myself suddenly in
despair at the awfulness of my situation, the unresolved conflicts left behind
in my homeland, and my sense of inadequacy. There was no way I could
dismiss the sudden avalanche of negative emotions and thoughts which
vied for attention.”
Little did I realise that after stepping outside the ashram gates, the next months
would test my resolution to persevere with this seemingly precipitous change of
direction. Though I was calm and meekly accepted all that happened to me, it was
not what was originally planned in the greater scheme of events. My initial plan on
departing from Australia was to travel to England on the then-popular overland route
through Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran and Turkey. Yet here I was in a rural setting far
from the vistas of the Taj Mahal among other famous sites.
It only got worse with the accommodation which was found for me by Raja, the
ashram postman, God bless him. Raja had been a fixture at the ashram for many
decades. From Bhagavan’s day, he was a constant presence who helped those
visitors who arrived disorientated and needing practical guidance.
Raja brought me to Marpillai Bungalow some ten minutes’ walk from the ashram. It
was a dark place with some small rooms but at least it had a bed, a toilet, and
running water. Raja also found me a place to eat one meal a day with Rajapalayam
Ramani Ammal, an extraordinary person. It was all well and good to locate a place to
stay but what to do with each day as it passed?
I am not sure how most people managed who first came to Arunachala. The
days passed in a combination of bewilderment (what am I doing?) and ennui, coupled
with small excursions into town some two kilometres away to eat tiffin of idli and
dosa or a meal of rice, at the Udipi Hotel or Vasanta Bhavan Hotel. Food at other
times generally consisted of porridge made on a small kerosene stove which I
bought.
The time spent in the ashram at first was random and unfocused. I felt nothing
spiritual either in myself or the ashram temple or the samadhi (burial site) of Sri
Ramana Maharshi. It was all rather odd and disconcerting. There was a momentary
thought to move on to Goa which I had heard about as a tourist spot, and it was in
the general direction of where I had previously intended, but that thought vanished
almost immediately and what I was left with was a blank space from which no
thoughts could arise. That momentary thought happened on the third night while I lay
on the lumpy bed in the cell. I felt interrogated by some unknown presence and
found myself suddenly in despair at the awfulness of my situation, the unresolved
conflicts left behind in my homeland, and my sense of inadequacy.
There was no way I could dismiss the sudden avalanche of negative emotions
and thoughts which vied for attention. The next moment I found myself flat on the
floor in full prostration towards Arunachala on the cold cement floor, crying the tears
that evidently had been pent up over the past years when my life and behaviour were
far from perfect. What a mess I seemed to have made of my life!
Eventually, the tears dried and I got up, the tumultuous mixture of emotions
wiped clean, and calmly lay down on the bed again, There comes a moment in all our
lives when we hit a brick wall. Our past seems to catch up with us and the future
appears bleak and uncertain. On our journey through life, these are major thresholds
where our physical appearance, emotional responses and mental attitudes undergo a
transformation if we are open to the possibility of the change that is actively seeking
us. Or they can harden if we refuse to heed the potential that life opens for us. Life
gives us all types of hints and warnings through dreams, words someone incidentally
speaks that happen to resonate with us, and events that compel us into action,
sometimes kicking and screaming.
At the age of twenty-two, I faced a new crisis precipitated by the proximity of
Arunachala – though I was not aware of the power of this sacred hill until much later
– and it appeared on reflection, the hidden presence of Sri Ramana Maharshi. From
an escapee of the atmosphere in Australia that I could no longer make sense of, to a
tourist on the hippie trail to Europe enjoying the new sights, to a beginner in
meditation and the spiritual life, to a dazed occupant of a dingy room wondering what
would happen next, I was on the verge of a commitment to an unknown future over
which I seemingly had no say, let alone control. And what of that strange moment on
arrival a few days before when my heart murmured, “I have come home’? Was there
another ‘person’ inside me of whom I was not in the slightest bit familiar? Who said
that and just as pertinently, who is this everyday person I call ‘I’?
Though we may think we are alone in the world I cannot but conclude after so
many years on the path of Sri Ramana Maharshi, that there are higher forces at
work in our lives, guiding, cajoling and protecting us. In the Christian world, we call
them angels. In Hinduism and Buddhism, there is an emphasis on lineage. Once a
soul has been accepted into an authentic lineage that bond is never broken, birth
after birth. This in part explains why we may be drawn to a particular tradition or
teacher. It may happen that we ‘accidentally’ come across a book in a library or
bookshop that catches our eye, which starts us off on the path.
We may see a photograph of a teacher who immediately holds our attention
which has often been the case with respect to Sri Ramana Maharshi. These are not
accidents but deliberate, inevitable encounters. Our dream life too precipitates new
physical conditions conducive to the enrichment of our lives. But this can also be
haphazard and can lead to nothing significant as I discovered on reflection after
puzzling about events in my past. There were opportunities that were lost because of
not paying proper attention or being wilfully stubborn. It seems a miracle at times
that we ever do make the right decision and embrace the opportunity presented to
us. However, that higher power, or whatever you may wish to name it, is patient and
insistent. There is no sense of failure and like water that runs down a mountain, that
power will find a way to reach us even in the darkest moments of our lives. In fact, it
is in those moments that our best opportunity arises, for with all the suffering we
endure, we ask that fundamental question, why? This single question can open the
gates.
'Why’ is that knock on the door which will spontaneously open if we but ask
with our whole, sincere heart. It is when we are so full of ourselves that we arrogantly
think we can do it without help. We cannot. And until we realise this, we will go round
and round in circles repeating the same mistakes again and again. For a moment I
had stopped running around on the treadmill and that made all the difference.
